Marriages Restored

American Idol's David Cook at Royals Game

Former UCM Mule David Cook returned home to Blue Springs for a parade, a couple concerts and some fun at the Royals game.  Here's Cook throwing out the first pitch.  Cook is in the final three of this year's American Idol competition.  Cook was a pitcher at Blue Springs South High School.  The photo is by John Sleezer of the KC Star.  Here is a link to some of David's singing yesterday in downtown KC. 

My Turn on the Trading Places Blog Tour starring Les and Leslie Parrott

Well here we are folks!  It's day 4 of the Trading Places blog tour.  Renowned authors, professors, counselors and married people, Les and Leslie Parrott have stopped by the virtual abode of Marriages Restored.  Here we sit sipping imaginary extra strong lattes in our oversized worn leather chairs.   I've provided a waterfall of rain and mist (really God did) so the Parrotts won't miss the Pacific Northwest too much as they beam to Missouri, the home of Give 'em Hell Harry Truman whose birthday is also today.  If Harry hadn't died prematurely he'd be 124.

Ben:  Les and Leslie it is an honor to have you here today.  How was the trip?

Les:  Those Star Trek guys were on to something with this beaming thing.  Shorted out a little over Garden City, KS with all the hail but other than that it was great. 

Ben:  Yes, well you know some of our more polite Christians call him Give 'em Hail Harry.  Don't know if that had anything to do with it.   

Leslie:  Uh Ben, what was your question for us?

Ben: Right, right.  Thanks for the opportunity to read Trading Places.  I see many helpful ideas for every couple.  With regards to infidelity or other significant betrayal how have you seen empathy help in the healing process?

Parrotts:  We are so glad you asked this question.  Because of the work we do with so many couples we get to hear lots of remarkable stories from husbands and wives who have triumphed over obstacles all  of us would dread having to encounter – stories that most never hear because they are so private. 

Believe it or not, we have seen couples who have suffered the knock-out punch of infidelity turn their relationship around, in great part, because of their mutual capacity to trade places.  Obviously this is not a quick, one-time act.  It’s a process of slowly trying to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. 

First of all, for the person who has been unfaithful, you might think he or she would naturally see the situation from the other partner’s point of view. But that’s not necessarily true.  Why?  Because this spouse is typically wracked with remorse, guilt and shame.  And these emotions don’t make for a clear vision.  They can actually cloud that person’s ability to empathize accurately.  You see, guilt is a selfish emotion.  When I (Les) did research for my book Shoulda Coulda Woulda (see RealRelationships.com) one of the things I learned is that guilt and shame put our focus on us.  When we carry these emotions, we want to feel better. We want to rid ourselves of them.  So we confess or whatever in an effort to do just that – not necessarily to make things right.  Not necessarily to bring healing for the offended spouse. Make sense? That’s why it is critically important that the unfaithful spouse, using both head and heart, accurately empathize.  The emphasis, typically, for this person needs to be put on being objective.  Their guilt is driving their sympathy (heart) into high gear.  They need to balance it out with more objective abilities.  More analyzing to accompany the sympathizing. As you know, from the book, empathy requires both in relatively equal measure. 

Regarding the spouse who is left to pick up the pieces after discovering unfaithfulness in their partner, empathy – though often slow coming – will serve as a means for eventual forgiveness and grace.  Of course, this is not to be rushed or coerced.  It is to be cultivated as time evolves.  And when the time is right, this spouse will often need to ask questions – not about the affair – but about what the unfaithful spouse was feeling and thinking; what the unfaithful spouse was missing. Empathy fosters a deeper understanding and eventual compassion even in the face of such a devastating act.

Bottom line?  We’ve never seen a couple recover from infidelity without the healing balm of empathy.

Ben:  Thanks you guys.  Good words.  It sounds like if we can be part Spock and part Paula Abdul our marriages will greatly improve. 

Les:  I haven't heard it put that way but I can mostly go along with that. 

Leslie:  Let's go home, Les. 

Les:  We have six more dates on the blog tour, hon.  Tomorrow we're at the Marriage Blog at Families.com

Leslie:  That's right.  I really like their quizopolis.  Thanks for the coffee, Ben.  It was good even by Seattle standards. 

Ben:  Those are some groovy beans.  It was St. George The Dragonslayer blend from Saints Coffee.  Tom Davis gives a 1/3 of his profits to help orphans in Africa.  Really cool.

Parrotts:  We'll see you at Families.com.

Day 2 of Trading Places Blog Tour

Today the blog tour heads to A Marriage Therapists Blog.

Trading Places Blog Tour

We'll be participating in a blog tour for the book Trading Places by Les and Leslie Parrott.  Our slot on the tour will be Thursday, May 8th.  You can check out the complete tour schedule. 
Today the tour is at CouplesQuestions.com.

Please Prime

Download 01_please_prime_dont_hurt_em.m4a

We pause now for a hilarious song by my daughter.   

NBCC Counselor

Congratulations to me.  I received notification that I am now a Nationally Certified Counselor! 
The National Board For Certified Counselors in Greensboro, NC let me know that I can now put NCC behind my name and we have a personal relationship in which they know me as #242068.  ;D

Infidelity: Do's and Don'ts for Working with Couples

Upon completion of grad school Ann and I flew to San Diego to participate in a conference for counselors led by Emily Brown, author of Affairs and Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment.  We had lunch with Emily and on another evening she took us to a great restaurant near the water (the name escapes me) with the most delectable cheese soup that had 8000 spices in it or so. 

We've kept up with Emily having a lunch in Boulder here and a lunch with her and her new husband/childhood beau in DC.  In DC we were both interviewed by Bettina Gregory for the television show, American Family.  You can buy the DVD of the episode, Rebuilding After An Affair.

Emily wrote a piece for Social Worker Today that appeared a year ago.  It is written for counselors helping folks with infidelity but I think it will be helpful to everyone dealing with this issue.  Its called Infidelity: Do's and Don'ts of Working with Couples.

You and Me: An homage to Alan Jackson

For her song writing class, my daughter had to write a country and western song with the male perspective neo classical style of Ricky Skaggs, Delbert McClinton and Alan Jackson.  She focused more on Alan Jackson and since I did some posts on Alan and Denise recently I thought I'd share it with you. That's Lil Chris on the guitar.

It's a good country song with fishing, a barn, a shotgun and a pickup. 

 

Download you_me.mp3

You should hire her as a song writer. 

Welcome Asbury Seminary

Noticed quite a few folks stopping by from Asbury Seminary.  It's good to have you!  Please feel free to leave a comment or email with your impressions and questions. 

Asbury is home to Virginia Todd (Toddy) Holeman who wrote Reconcilable Differences.  Ann and I had the pleasure of chatting with Toddy about our story and a year or so later enjoying dinner with her in Palmer Lake, CO.

We were one of the featured couples in Reconcilable Differences.  You can find us in there as Alan and Elizabeth. 

I wrote a few posts on Reconcilable Differences back then. You can check them out here, here, here, and here.  Here here. 

I noticed while doing this that comments were closed on a lot of my posts.  I meant to close them momentarily a while back and forgot to open them.  They are open now.   

Thanks God