Internet Affairs

The internet can be a seductive arena. It can spin a web faster than Spiderman. Our thoughts and feelings seem to just flow through our fingertips onto the plastic keys and zoom through cyberspace to the eyes and heart of another. An instant connection can be formed in chatrooms, instant messages or emails. The perfect romance is then easily formed in one's mind with powerful emotions and maybe even a shared virtual sexual encounter. One can easily deny the damage this does to one's spouse since he/she didn't actually meet face to face or actually touch the other person. Is this really adultery?

Yep. In Not "Just Friends", Shirley Glass relates the feelings and emotions of the betrayed partner of a spouse having a cyber affair.

People who discover their partner's on-line emotional and sexual affairs are devastated. Their basic assumptions of honesty and trust have been shattered; the couples commitment to exclusivity has been broken. As far as the betrayed partner is concerned, there's little difference between adultery on the computer and adultery at a seedy motel on the interstate. The trauma is the same and recovery from it is just as slow. And there is an additional encumbrance: firm household rules must now be established for the use of the computer, which should be used only in a common family area, among other restrictions.

The internet is a wonderful tool and also a dangerous place. Guard your heart and protect your marriage. If you have crossed the line already, the first step is sharing this with your spouse and taking action to end the cyber relationship. Then begin the process of rebuilding real intimacy in all areas in your relationship.

Comments

[Bose]

The reviews at Amazon make the book sound thoroughly researched and an interesting read. I like the approach of examining internet issues in the context of other relevant environments (like the workplace), and setting consistent boundaries across all of them.

The internet can obviously be different from face-to-face venues, but for me it isn't inherently more seductive. I need to behave consistently with my convictions, values, and commitments in all environments. Complacency is just not an option.

[Ben]

Thanks Bose. 'I need to behave consistently with my convictions, values, and commitments in all environments.'
Those are good words of integrity.

Ben

How do you learn to trust again when you feel your spouse has had an emotional affair? Or many for that matter. I feel that although there has probably not been a sexual affair, the many signs of an emotional affair, or the flirting that keeps my spouse in practice are showing me that our marriage is not of primary importance to him as it is to me. There are many signs that show me this. Not always of other women, but always of the lack of his commitment to me. I felt marriage was a commitment, and probably put up with things I should't have, such as belittlement, and emotional abuse. At times I thought I would be happier without him, but I realize I love him, and wonder what is wrong with me that I would stay in such an unhealthy relationship. It has also damaged my children in emotional ways. It is hard to let go, and I dont know if that is the right thing to do. Any advise would be appreciated.

[ben]

There are just so many unknowns in your comment. I do feel for you in the deep pain you are experiencing. Trust is rebuilt by him seeing and owning all of the pain he has caused you, repenting and then by doing what he'll say he'll do. What do you feel you need to rebuild trust?

[Veronica]

I just found out that my husband has been having an internet affair for a long time. He was planning to leave me and our 2 children. When I found out he said he wants to work our marriage out. I am devastated. I don't know if I can or want to forgive him. It has been 1 week since I found out and he has made no effort to seek counseling or return to church. I am very confused and don't knwo what to do. I didn't do anything wrong, and yet I feel like if our marriage was to work out, I would have to make all the effort. I am in desperate need of prayer and God's guidance.

[ben]

Veronica, I lift you up in prayer to Abba. You don't need all of the answers today. Give yourself grace and time as you come to grips with the truth of what has been going on. Take each day as it comes and find good emotional support for yourself to start.

[Karen]

My husband has had many online affairs, one developed into sex over the phone, another was with a family friend and the most recent was with a woman from NC, I live in the UK, he left me and our 3 children to live with her for 3 months, realising his mistake after being with her for only 2 weeks he was stuck there for the rt of the 3 months, not having he money to change his air ticket to return to the UK, he has now returned and is in hospital having some kind of mental breakdown and begging me to take him back. We are allowing him to come back to the sofa only because we do feel sorry for him, but I hate him for what he has done, I don't love him any more - how could I, and I will never trust him again.
This is my story in short but the pain is deep and will last a very long time.

[ben]

Karen, The pain is deep. My heart goes out to you.
I encourage you to stay alongside him, seeing what may be going on in his heart and soul through this 'nervous breakdown'. You may actually get the man you want at the end of all this.

[Amy]

The husband of the woman that my husband was having an online affair with called to inform me. My husband talked with her on his work phone and emailed her from his work computer. I had no way of knowing on my own. He has said he does not talk to her anymore, and has been remorsefull. We are currently in counseling, but I still feel that if he tired of me once enough to go looking for someone else to fullfill his he will do it again. I feel like I need to change to avoid this, and that makes me angry. I feel like I am being punished and I don't really know what I did wrong.

[ben]

It does feel a bit unfair. I can understand how you feel that way. At times like these it is important to look at the marriage as a whole. Look at all aspects of your relationship and changes you can both make. Though painful and not helpful in itself, this online affair can be a catalyst to many positive changes in your relationship.

[Brittany]

My Boyfriend is a police officer, and we have been dating for a short time now. How ever he is always on his computer and when he comes to my house he runs to the computer. He say's he is just checking his e-mail, how ever hours after hours on the computer. I don't think it's e-mails. When we first started dating he would send me cute e-mails and message me. Now the only time he tells me he loves me is when he is drunk or feels guilty for not seeing me. I know he has flirted with girls on a site, how ever do I trust that he loves me. And Only me? Am I doing anything wrong? Please Help!

[ben]

Hi Brittany,

It's really difficult for me to draw any conclusions based on the information. I do wonder why if after just a short time there are issues of trust why are you still seeing him. Life is too short. A dating relationship should improve your life, not detract from it.

Talk with some local friends, or pastor or counselor and get some input from them.