The Dancing Work of Pain

One more post on pain and suffering. Such a heavy topic but how we handle pain and suffering has a direct correlation to the depth of our relationships. The more we run from it the more we run from intimacy. The more we stay engaged with it the deeper our relationships.

Mike Cusick at Restoring the Soul turned me on to this book a few years ago. It is a book by a therapist who had been in the mental health system at a younger age. She had her own history of being abused and subsequently cutting on herself.

The author's name is Lauren Slater and her book is Welcome to my Country: A Therapist's Memoir of Madness
She has these words on pain and suffering,

And so I began, slowly...to think about staying in suffering instead of always trying to climb out of it. Do not mistake me. I don't mean I learned to embrace pain, whose boiling body frightens me as it scalds the skin of its victims, nor, in the parlance of New Age-speak, to accept pain, for acceptance is far too sweet a word, and I doubt very many people loosen their limbs and lie pliantly in the lap of hurting. I mean I learned, quite simply--in these technical times, when the hope for new remedies is daily dangled before our eyes--to acknowledge pain, to sit still in its mysterious presence and feel helpless

And

What sets me apart (from my most troubled clients) is simply a learned ability to manage the blades of deep pain with a little bit of dexterity. Mental health doesn't mean making the pains go away. I don't believe they ever go away...I have not healed so much as learned to sit still and wait while pain does it dancing work, trying not to panic or twist in ways that make the blades tear deeper, finally infecting the wounds.

There really is no way around the pain from an affair. If you thrash around or go berserk while the blades are nearby you'll be cut deeper and deeper and bleed more and more. If you turn to drugs or alcohol or porn or sex etc. to deal with the pain, again you are thrashing, causing more pain.

The only way to deal with the pain from an affair is to move straight through it, slowly. Face the truth and let it do it's dancing work on your soul.

Comments

[Kris Tamerius]

It pains my heart just to read some of these posts. Sin is so ravaging and so deceiving, isn't it? Thanks for the great blog!

[anj]

I love these posts, they are so close to my heart and journey. "Mental health does not mean making the pains go away" Is part of mental health understanding that we are more than the pain of our lifes?

[Ben]

"Is part of mental health understanding that we are more than the pain of our lifes?"
Anj, Yes. Sometimes I frame it in similar fashion, God is bigger than our pain. Sometimes that sounds harsh to an abuse victim or one deeply betrayed. But I feel that if an individual doesn't learn this he or she has a great probability of becoming a bitter man or woman. We just don't need any more of those and I certainly don't want to be one. Ann just tells me to go to bed when I get cranky :)

[judyh]

I've often thought about this.

In heaven, it appears that Jesus still bears his 'wounds'. Shouldn't we, at least while still on earth, have wounds? If it is Christ pouring out, what a benefit our wounds would be to other people. Of course, as all analogies, this one breaks down...but, it has made me more concerned with what is pouring out of my wounds than in plugging them up and getting on with it.

[Ben]

Judy, You are blessing many with your honesty and openness.

[Kimberly]

I am not sure where to start or if this is where I need to start. I have so much pain inside me I do not know how many more pains I can take in this life. I do give my life to GOD and ask for his guidance, forgiveness and many blessings. I have a husband that I love more than life itself. I am sure GOD sent him to me.....This is my third marriage and my last in any way. I suppose it sounds awful to say I have been married 3 times. Yes I take responsibility in every relationship I have been in that failed. Life has taken its toll on me, I grew up being molested by the person that fathered me. This went on from age 4 to 18. At 41, I still find myself dealing with this pain at times, it seems to come to the forefront when I am experiencing pain in a relationship. Yes, I want to take the blame partly in hopes to get through whats causing the pain. Besides, it was what I was taught all those years growing up, to take on the pain of everyone one around me...my mother, my father, and of course my husband. Let me go back to say...I have had alot of good years with my husband and I believe he loves me, but........ We have shared some painful times as well phyisical infidelity in 1996( when we were living together but not married )In March 2003, my husband age 36, the man I loved more than life was diagnosed with cancer. I sometimes wonder who was hurting the most over this....I cried a many days and nights for him, me.... I got on the internet read and researched everything on his cancer. I made up a notebook to keep track of the whole process, beginning to end. I seen my husband break down one time through this diagnosis, my heart fell and I could honestly feel his pain and sorrow. I was struggling emotionally and physically. I literally weeped for him and the love and hurt I felt for him. Sometime after the cancer diagnosis, I started to have this gut feeling that something more was wrong in our relationship. I tried to let that feeling go and not harbor it...but I couldn't help it. I asked for GOD's intervention, to help me see through this difficult time and to not burden my husband with any more grief than he had been handed. And then one day, it was after work and my husband had not come home from work yet. The urge was strong to go to him...but before I did, I stopped at the hospital to get some further results on my husbands cancer. I then went to his work, with a ill pain in my gut. When I arrived, he was sitting in his cubicle closely to a female. I was shocked and horrified as I knew what I had stumbled onto. The brief second of silence felt like an eternity. I simply turned and walked away leaving them to their ????? I stood by out of sight, I waited for my husband to come rescue me. It didn't happen. Minutes went by that seemed like hours. The two of them sat there together discretily and whispering their words to each other. I could not hear anything but their whispers. Finally, the female got up and walked and loudly protesting she would see my husband tomorrow and he in the same tone protested the same to her. I was devasted. My husband claimed his innocence through it all. I was felling so much pain inside for him, me and our love. Days went by and tried to let it go and it just kept coming back. I felt guilty to add to my husbands burdens. I asked God to please help me and that I was weak and full of pain, guilt and rejection. Finally, one day we talked (argued) he finally admitted he was wrong. I didn't know how far this relationship had gotten but I knew that the emotional affair hurt, even more than if it was physical. He claimed it was not physical. I had to learn to deal with the emotional aspect of this terrible event and the thoughts as well of any physical involvement. He also promised this would never happen again. You see my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer and that meant difficulties with sexual activity and the possibility that he may never be able to experience that part of sex ever again. This didn't matter to me...what mattered is that I had my husband to share our lives together. The devotion, deep love and admiration was enough for me. He said he felt he needed to turn to someone else. It was the fear of the things to come due to the cancer. Needless to say, I was sick with pain and yet I had to figure out how to get through this incredible hurt that tore at my every being. Through my husbands recovery, I was there every minute and I was still not healed inside but I felt I had enough love for the both of us. Well here we are June 2005, since about January 2005...I have felt that some old knot in my gut when I discovered my husbands indiscretions from before. I have been hurting, wondering, hurting and wondering why I am I having these feelings again. Please GOD tell what I need to know, even though I really didn't want to know and felt I couldn't handle the pain and hurt any longer in my life, I stiil asked for GOD's intervention and knowledge. I will come back to this...in the mean time, I have been given the devastating news that I have active replicating chronic hepatitis B with the pre mutant core. I am sick with worry and naturally more pain hurt and disgust. It is believed that my father who molested me gave me the disease which will more than likely shorten my life. I am angry at my parents for the damage and hurt they have caused me and at 41 I thought I was done hurting for my lost years 4-18. I have struggled at times with life and I have beat it.... most molested children never learn to get this far and generally have poorer outcomes in life,,be it drugs, alcohol or sucicide. I beat all that, for GOD to now come and say my time may be cut short not because of what I did but because of the actions of the two people who brought me in this world. Additionally, I have polycystic kidney disease, kidney stones which I have been dealing with since November 2003. I am now not able to work due to my health problems. I was always a workaholic. Conditioned to always seel the approval of others at any cost even with work. I was a good hard worker. Dedicated and trustworthy. Okay, back to the terrible feeling deep in my gut......through various ways I learned my husband was again having discretions with another female. Not sure when it started but I guess about December 2004. Recently I have approaced him with this and as before initially he claimed it was nothing. I weeped and cried, felt immense pain trying to express my pain to him about this and he just watched as I bawled, hit my self in my hurt, slam my hands onto hard wood. He then went to sleep. This was not my husband...he wasn't that way. He loved me. He has bben taking me to my appointments, to the emergency room being the caring husband. What has happened. I told him I loved him and I was hurting so much. Still nothing. I told him I did not know whether it was emotional or physical indiscretions he has committed against me but I knew what I was feeling was real. He finally admitted to me that he had been seeking the companionship of a female at work....here we go again. I told him I didn't understand. I loved him. He promised not to hurt me i
this way again. I asked him why he was having the emotional indiscretion if not physical with this lady at work. Intially, I had pointed out the wrong female so we battled back and forth it wasn't her. When I learned who it really was he was seeking emotional whatever from the damage was done. As we have talked, I keep asking him why...he doesn't know. Well here I go giving the out has I have done all my life, it was my fault because I had come confortable with my husband and I suppose complacient. I loved him and I knew no one could take that love from me not ever...well that was until now. So he agreed with me, I found myself being too comfortble not to mention that the sex was not often. I didn't want to hurt him because of the problems from his cancer, I was not feeling well and I knew I could love him beyond the sex. Maybe I lost the intimacy too along the way. But GOD knows I love this man passionatly and completly. The funny thing is...my husband admits knowing the intensity of my love, devotion and admiration for him. So how could he have turned to another women. As I said, I gave the out...it was me and my lack of something. I guess there is so much more I could say and as you know much more pain and hurt inside to deal with. I am not sure if I am as strong as I used to be. I want to be with my husband and I love him, maybe too much. I know I have to let it go and I need to figure some way to stop bringing up with my husband. This may or is still driving him away. I fear his rejection and continuation of indiscretions. I have no one to turn to. My children are grown and live in a different state. I have no other family or even friends. I am all alone. What am I to do if I can't get through this. I am frieghtend. I have no where to go, no job, no money. I have nothing. If this disease doesn't kill me then the pain, hurt and emptiness I feel will. Please pray for me that GOD can get me through this pain. I am weak and vulnarable. I love my husband and would do anything for him. Please help me.

[ben]

Kimberly, My heart goes out to you. You certainly have experienced more than your share of pain. At this point there is a lot to say, but what stood out to me is your need for community and support. I encourage you to seek out a group to be around you and care for you. Perhaps this can be at church or find a counselor who runs some small groups. This is too much to face all alone.

[Kimberly]

Thank you Ben. It is difficult to do anything other than what I am doing, which is living with all this pain inside me. My husband works full time, goes to school full time and goes to the gym......as now he would say ONLY 3 times a week. We only have one car and some days I just don't feel well enough to get out of bed. My husband works with this female so it makes it even tougher. He says he has talked to her and she knows that I love him and he loves me......I had to keep asking him if he had talked to her and told her what ever thay had was a mistake. Well, finally after asking him a couple of times this is what he said he said to her. But to me something is missing. He can tell her of our love all day long and that does not change whether they talk and besides they work in the same building. I do not think he knows how much I hurt over this as a repeated indiscretion. He calls me more from work and tells me he loves me more. I feel funny about how and why he started all this mess in the first place....he told me because lack of sex. Funny enough though, he hasn't asked or initated sex with me since I found about him and Shamika Young's indiscretions and possibly other women. I told him this only confuses me even more. He told me I need to forgive him and I do. It is the trust thing. I love him so much and I just don't know how to get through this pain. If I cry and am upset emotionally, he tries to comfort me at that moment. But it's all over when I try to act normal. I feel alone, empty and sad. I can not sleep. As if I didn't have enough health problems to have to battle this pain in our relationship too. I pray....PLEASE GOD TAKE THIS PAIN, HURT AND CONSTANT WORRY FROM ME. I KNOW I CAN NOT DO THIS WITHOUT YOU. PLEASE BE MY STRENGTH AS I AM VERY WEAK. HELP ME TO BE A BETTER PERSON THROUGH THESE VERY DIFFICULT DAYS. PLEASE GUIDE ME THROUGH MY MARRIAGE WITH MY HUSBAND. HELP ME UNDERSTAND AND GROW FROM MY HUSBANDS SIN AGAINST ME AND YOU. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS. LORD PLEASE SHOWER ME WITH EXTRA LOVE AT THIS TIME. I FEEL LIKE I CAN NOT MAKE IT THROUGH THESE PAINFUL DAYS. HOLD ME AND CARE FOR ME. IN YOUR NAME I PRAY. AMEN

[ben]

Kimberly, That's a beautiful prayer and I lift it up to our God for you too.

[CB]

my wife has been unfaithful to me.....what do I do

[CB]

my wife has been unfaithful to me during our marriage (over 3 years ago).....what do I do

[ben]

CB,
1. Hurt
2. Praise God the truth is in the light.
3. Grieve
4. Be Angry and learn to express it well so it doesn't cause more damage.
5. Commit to total honesty in your relationship.
6. Build a better marriage than ever.

[Scott]

My heart and understanding goes out to you. I share your pain. God will hold your hand but only as long as you reach for it. Don't give up. We don't have the capacity to understand our Lord but we can trust his will for our lives. In our submission and obediance to God we will come out a better, happier person in the end.

Hear are two links that will help:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5000_qa.html

http://htmlinc.com/thefish/

Hang in there!
Love in Christ, Scott

[ben]

Thanks Scott. Blessings to you.

[Scott]

Sure Ben and thanks for the blessings. This page is good and I know a lot of people can and will benefit from it's wealth of godly wisdom.

Just an update for others people going through these trials: Since I put God in the center of my family and realized it's not me in control, we have never been happier! My kids are happy and most importantly my wife and I have the best relationship we could ask for.

Trust IS rebuildable but Jesus must be where our trust lies first and then WE must put our faith in action and follow His guiding word from scripture. I can’t promise everyone that they will have a renewed marriage because you simply can’t control your spouse but would you want to? God made us for his purpose alone and even He gives up the free will to love Him or leave Him…

If any of you are going through this trial; 1 John 3:16 tells us:
By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.
Jesus laid down his life for you and for me. We have been unfaithful to Him and He knows our every though but He chose to love us and sacrifice without expecting anything in return. Praise God! If you will lay down your life through living and loving I can promise you a fulfilled life that will be richly blessed with our fathers love and how great is our God! I also know you will stand a much greater godlier chance of a fulfilled, renewed marriage from unconditional (to the best of our capability) love!

I pray the Lord’s love to be poured upon each of you!

Love in Christ, Scott Smith

[salina]

My situation is very complex-I know everyone has their own "unique" story, but right now after being back with my husband for 2 1/2 months now, I feel like giving up this reconciliation between us because I can't seem to find anyone in such a difficult situation as mine. I'm the one who had the affair which lasted about 1 1/2 years, moved in with this man and also now have a 3-month old baby boy with him. Not only does that make things hard because I see him everyday with sharing our baby back and forth, but the only reason/motivation I have to be with my husband is the fact that we have 2 children together(1 is also from a previous relationship from before we met), and that I know it's the "right thing" to do. I am not saying these aren't important reasons, but when I don't really have the Desire for my husband personally for many reasons that I never did in the first place, it's So Hard to work on us when I can't really look back at why I ever wanted to marry him in the first place either. I remember always feeling that I never really felt in love with him. I just knew that he was a "good guy"(obviously-he accepted me and this baby after what I've done to him) but I've never had this inseperable, passionate,desire for him-I'm not even attracted to him physically. I do know that he's what I need to grow as a person and that if I wasn't with him, I would just feel the guilt creep back in as it had with the man I had an affair with. But, this man made me feel alive inside a way I always wanted to feel with my husband. How do I get through day to day seeing this man everyday? I've already been intimate with him once since my husband and I been back together. I even told my husband about it hoping that it would make him give up on me so I could finally "justify" getting out of this marriage. (of course, my husband will not give up though-I even tried getting pregnant to this man a year ago and my husband said that he couldn't imagine even a baby that is part of me too to ruin a lifetime without me) I feel like I'm still leaving the "door open" to possibly going back with the man I had an affair with because I can't take this pain everyday, but in the same sense, I do know the guilt of what I'd be doing is wrong and what I'd be putting my children through once again would come back too. Sometimes, I feel like since I don't know anyone or can't find any hopeful stories, advise,support, etc. for my situation, that just maybe I'm not so bad for not being able to make this marriage work. BUT, deep inside me says that God does have something for me-someone else's story of inspiration that can directly speak to me in my unique situation here. (By the way, we do get very much support from our pastor and his wife and a christian counselor) It just doesn't seem to be enough though-this site was the first one that came a little close to some of what I am going through when I read "Grieving the Loss of your affair partner". Is there any more insight you can give me?

[ben]

salina, At this stage of the game how would you feel close to your husband? I don't think it is possible. Many, many people at this point look at the past and think, gee, I never really loved him or her anyway.

So I think those feelings are the norm and not something you should base your decision on. I encourage you to process through all this with your husband.

Perhaps you have a difficult time owning the good in you. Maybe it is owning the bad in you. I don't know. Stay and process and make a decision down the road.

Stop playing the game of trying to get your husband to kick you out. You are a grown woman and need to make your own decisions.

[salina]

Thank you for your response! I know there is alot for me to learn yet in all this and that I do know I have to stop feeling like the victim too. I know I have created this whole situation by my own choices and know this won't be easy. I guess I just get discouraged when I can't find some kind of inspiration that I can get through this complex situation that I'm in. I have to see this man everyday with sharing our baby and it is extremely hard to hide the way I feel from him-on one hand, I don't want him to know how unhappy I am in this situation and on the other hand, I don't want him to think I'm just over him so he could maybe move on with someone else. I don't know how I could possibly even imagine him with anyone else at this point. I am doing alot of research to find some sort of support from somebody that has been through something similar as to my situation. I don't want this to hold me back from still trying to work on my marriage and family by depending on this though-but it would really help me! Is this so wrong of me? Is there anything you can recommend to me as support? Am I looking for the wrong answer here?

[ben]

Salina. You are right that this is complex with many complex emotions. At some point, if your marriage is to survive you'll have to be willing for the other guy to have another relationship and that means there will be another woman in the picture parenting your child as well. Either way you go there will be another woman in the picture with your kids.
That's a tough truth but it is your reality. There will be loss for you no matter what you choose at this point.

[Scott]

Hello Ben, just checking back in to say hello and thanks! My family is doing well and my wife and I are getting along good since we devoted our lives to God. It is funny how that works. If you give God everything you have without expecting anything in return, He takes such good care of the things that used to cause sleepless nights and ulcers. I won’t say it has been easy trusting God and my faith has had it’s low points such as hearing that my son may die soon yet I must wait months to see a team of doctors to know what can be done... I wrestled with God quite a bit over that one but come to realize my son belongs to God and the time I have with him is a true blessing and gift from God. Anyway, I know it is very hard to trust a God you can’t see with your eyes but if you take that leap and truly, I mean really give it all to God... oh man does He bless your life with true happiness.

There is a quote from Jim Rohn that really hits home with me and I would like to leave on that note:

“What we ponder and what we think about sets the course of our life. Any day we wish; we can discipline ourselves to change it all. Any day we wish, we can open the book that will open our mind to new knowledge. Any day we wish, we can start a new activity. Any day we wish, we can start the process of life change. We can do it immediately, or next week, or next month, or next year.”

“We can also do nothing. We can pretend rather than perform. And if the idea of having to change ourselves makes us uncomfortable, we can remain as we are. We can choose rest over labor, entertainment over education, delusion over truth, and doubt over confidence. The choices are ours to make. But while we curse the effect, we continue to nourish the cause. As Shakespeare uniquely observed, “The fault is not in the stars, but in ourselves.” We created our circumstances by our past choices. We have both the ability and the responsibility to make better choices beginning today.”

[Ben]

Thanks for the update Scott. Those are great words.