How Emotional Affairs Start

Curt over at the Happy Husband put out a post called Falling In Love. He didn't address it directly but he put some words to how emotional affairs begin. He shares the story of an attraction in high school and of his courtship and marriage with his wife.
A post from IreneQ prompted his post. In hers on falling in love she had these wise words.

I've seen it happen to other people. You spend lots of time with each other, exchange stories, share deep thoughts, create memories, and if you're unwary, an emotional attachment begins to form. Before you know it, you're in love.

That's it right there. If you want to have an emotional affair do the following,
1) Spend plenty of time with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse
2) Tell your life story to one another
3) Share from deep in your heart, especially where your spouse misses your heart
4) Share seemingly meaningful experiences together-achievement at work or ministry offers this
5) Let yourself relax and enjoy the others presence
6) And for good Christian measure, pray with the other person to deny your sexual attraction-heartfelt prayer is more intimate than sex in many ways and in this situation gives the illusion you are doing the 'right' thing.

Boom! There you are not in love as Irene says but emotionally entangled. Pseudo-intimacy. Addicted. You have a human drug to ease your anxiety and discomfort in a fallen world. You don't need to do conflict with your spouse--that's too hard to do--go talk to your human drug who listens and understands and makes you feel better.
Why is it easier? Because there is nothing at stake. There is no real risk with this other person. With your spouse there is tremendous risk. This is your MARRIAGE. A marriage is valuable. Sometimes that pressure makes it tougher to share and talk about life.

My friend, Brendan said, "Sometimes noble men do strange things." He said this in the context of what do we do as men when we feel that attraction beginning. Take a step back and distance yourself. Just talk business. She won't know what is going on you say. That's ok, better for her to be puzzled and/or hurt than for you to continue developing the attachment and begin offering part of your heart reserved for your spouse. If you tell her you need to step back because you are attracted you have just shared with her from the deepest part of your being and developed more closeness which will make it that much more difficult to stop the momentum of this thing. These apply for women dealing with men too.
So, the moral of the story is...better to have others think you are a jerk than to deal with the pain and chaos of an emotional affair.

I really believe that because I have lived it. In some ways the attachments of an emotional affair are tougher to break than when a physical one happens because one still has the rationalization, "At least we haven't had sex." Don't go have sex :)
Find a way to burst the illusion. Own all of the time and energy that you placed in this relationship with one who is not your spouse and own the damage done to the bride (or husband) of your youth and to your own soul.
Damage to your own soul? But I feel so alive you say. Sometimes helping one get removed from an emotional affair is more difficult than helping a cocaine addict get clean.

Comments

[anj]

great post, and may I ask a question? What about same-sex emotional affairs?

[Kris Tamerius]

Ben,
This is very insightful and helpful. I think so many people get into trouble because they just float along without thinking these things through, and pretty soon they have slipped into an emotional affair.

Anj, wow, I didn't even think about that. I suppose it is because I haven't at this point in life, ever stuggled with a same sex attraction. But if that is something that you know you might be inclined to struggle with, then I suppose the same thing would apply. Hmm, that would be tough though, because then you wouldn't be able to enjoy close friendship with either men or women. As it is for me, I am really close to a few women, as the sex thing isn't an issue, and I would really miss their friendship if I had to be on guard all the time. But I know my heart, and I know what things tempt me and might cause me to stumble, and I do avoid those things. And I suppose if female friendships were a problem for me, then I would have to put up some fences there too. But I think that I would have to find some way to still have relationships with other people in a non-tempting way. As an extrovert, I feel happier when I have several good relationships.

[ben]

Anj,
The thought did cross my mind, but the post was getting long already. Thank for entering in with your thoughts on it Kris.
A challenge for someone with same sex attraction is to learn how to have healthy emotional intimacy (without sexualizing it) with the same sex and I think that is possible and really essential for healing.
Anj I would love to hear from anyone who has struggled with same-sex attraction or come out of the gay lifestyle, is married and how they deal with same-sex temptations (I think ex-gay is a poor phrase and doesn't give room for continuing struggles, God generally doesn't use scissors on our souls in healing)in their current marriage.
I think in general women struggle more with being overly emotionally connected than men whether there is sexual attraction or not. Is that too general a statement? Should I duck? Overall, women seem to have more of a need to share on an emotional level than men. If a husband isn't deep in this area it is more likely that a woman would find that with her coffee pal than a man. Don't need to minimize a man's need for emotional connection and roll in emotional affairs at all there.
For men,I asked a friend, who is currently living out his same sex attraction about why the gay male scene seemed to be so sexualized. He told me that you take two guys, both visually stimulated, take the male sex drive which is more microwave than crockpot to use those terms, and that's why you have more anonymous sexual hookups for men than emotional entanglements.
Overall, I believe we live in a hyper-sexualized, hyper-idealized culture and that tends to promote the astounding number of 'affairs' of all kinds in our present day.

[ben]

'Don't need to minimize a man's need for emotional connection and roll in emotional affairs at all there.'
This sentence was supposed to begin, Don't mean...

[anj]

Let me clarify. The reason why I think same sex emotional affairs could be so dangerous is because there would be no sexual attraction to set off warning signals. I had a friend, married, and we became very close. She told me more than she told her husband. In other words, I had more of her heart than her husband did. When Len and I married, there were problems with her and mine's friendship. She wanted to remain #1 confidantes, I felt that was Len's place. She thought we were soulmates. She would never have considered our friendship an emotional affair. As I have tried to work through some stuff with this friendship's ultimate demise, I have wondered who was first priority in her life, me or her husband? So, here is my question, perhaps more clearly stated. Do emotional affairs have to have sexual attraction as a part? What if you have a spouse and when something great happens to you the first person you want to share it with is a same sex friend? It seems to me it is more a matter of who has priority in your life, than who you want to have sex with? Am I missing something here? And, sorry to disappoint, but, although I find many women beautiful, I have never been sexually attracted to another women. So I can't help on the same sex sexual struggle. But the emotional placing of a friend in top priority I have struggled with. Does that make sense?

[Ben]

Anj, Very well put. I think that can with both genders. I have a friend (male) who did all sorts of stuff with a bud. He told me all they were doing and I said wow when do you see your wife. He was mad at me for a while but then he mentioned it to his bud and the bud got upset and called him a wus. Bottom line is my friend is closer to his wife now.
I don't know what label it needs but yes I agree with you. Ann's best friend knew more about Ann's heart than I did. After the affair that had to change too.

[Cindy]

Wow! A doozy of a discussion.

Ben wrote: "A challenge for someone with same sex attraction is to learn how to have healthy emotional intimacy (without sexualizing it) with the same sex and I think that is possible and really essential for healing." Exactly. Being attracted to people of the same sex doesn't mean you'll NEVER be able to have close same sex friendships. It means you need to learn how to have HEALTHY same sex friendships. And it's tremendously possible, whether your attraction is emotional or sexual or both.

And, no, Ben, you don't need to duck for saying that women are more susceptible to emotional entanglements than men. :) A very wise woman I know once made the generalization (which, while a generalization, has a valid point): "Men's lust tends to be sexual. Women's lust tends to be emotional." Women are SO relational. It's a gift from God. He saw Adam needed something to bring that into his life; He made it--us! (:::batting eyelashes::: Ain't we somethin'? )

Anj, you said something I've been seeing for awhile now; just hadn't heard anyone else put it into words before: "The reason why I think same sex emotional affairs could be so dangerous is because there would be no sexual attraction to set off warning signals." This is truth. No, emotional affairs don't have to turn sexual before they're affairs. I moderate for an online message board ministry for people who struggle with unwanted same sex attraction, and I can tell you that the biggest struggle for the gals in the married ladies' forum isn't that they want to have sex with other women. It's the emotional pulls, the entanglements that they work hardest on denying. That's what they struggle with most. That's where an affair begins. You're exactly right.

Ben, thanks for giving me the heads up on this discussion, and for permission to snip some of your stuff to post on the boards. :D

In unabashed larceny,
Cindy

[ben]

Cindy, Thanks for stopping by. Wonderful thoughts infused into the discussion.

[Rey]

crikey. that's a doozy anj.

[Lee]

I am sorry for the detail of this but I want your honest opinions and this is the only way I can get them. By opening up to everything.

To start with my wife only slept with two men before and none since we got married. She was not very sexual as a woman. She attended church when she was young and that really influenced her. They told her sex was bad before you got married but never told her that is was okay after.

When we got married we had sex 5 to 6 times a year for the first 10 years or so then dropped to about 1 or 2 times a year for the next 8 years. About two years ago we stopped having sex – and until February of this year it had been two years for us.

We have since talked about it and came to realize that her first priority was having children and I was pushed way down the list. I always joked I am so far down the totem pole with three women in the house I couldn’t see the totem pole. I was more right than I knew. These are her words not mine but she admits pushing me aside for the girls. She also admits that our sex life was not a concern to her.

I will tell you that for the last 8 years I have chatted with women online and cybered with them. I never let emotional attachments develop and if they started to – I stopped chatting with the woman. I have never ever cheated on her.

In January she started playing poker online. About that same time I bought her Dr. Laura’s new book about couples. She also listens to Dr. Laura on the radio. Dr. Laura said sex between a couple is a gift from God. And that seemed to register with her. Well at that time also I met a guy online – by this time I had come to believe that maybe I was not the person to try to bring her out of her sexual shell – well I put him in touch with her in the poker room online. They started chatting and flirting. I told him it was okay. I never thought she would go very far. I mean we didn’t do much so I just figured she would be the same online. I just thought another man might be able to get her to relax where I couldn’t. Well in no time they went to cyber then to heavy cyber and then to talking on the phone. He lives in Arlington and we live in Ft. Worth. She was running up to chat all the time with him. I knew something was up. He would not tell me much just that they were still trying to become friends. I knew something was up so I installed a logger program that takes screen shots and records chats. Well that is when I realized that they were doing more than chatting and that they were even talking on the phone. She told him some very hurtful things about our sex life and me. I was devastated. It was so bad that one day he sent her a very steamy email and she called him immediately after. Well I came home that Saturday to go to our daughters’ basketball game and she told me about the email but lied and said she thought of me immediately afterward. When I read the chat I realized she thought of him and called him. Again I was very hurt. They were planning on meeting and going to a hotel room. And I stopped that from happening. We had a long chat – she and I after that. She said she would not have slept with him – it was just that she was getting older and gained some weight and wanted to have someone think she was sexy and attractive. She said she would have told him anything to have him tell her she was sexy. She and this is hard to say – told him she did not orgasm with me. I work very hard to make her happy and I admit my pleasure is second to hers. I asked her about that and she said she told him that to make him more interested in her. She said she does orgasm always with me and I really think she does at least it feels like she does – sorry not trying to be too graphic.

Now I will digress a little. Over the years I have purchased her lots of sexy clothing and told her how sexy and attractive she was – so please don’t think I was neglecting her. But none of it sunk in. She thought I was saying that because I was her husband and had to say those things. I did mean every one of them. In Dr. Laura’s book she came to find out that husbands mean it when they tell their wives they are sexy or buy them sexy things and that seemed to sink in with her. And now she realizes all of these years I have meant what I have been telling her. And I do find her sexy.

Well as I said earlier she has limited sexual experience so between opening up, Dr. Laura and hormones she really started to get into sex. We would 2 to 3 times a day every day after that happened. But she wanted to learn more and sometimes she is shy with me and afraid to try new things. So she started chatting in Yahoo to experiment and learn and I thought that is safe she can envision it without the danger of other men in real life or the pressure of me being there. So I let her chat and I kept chatting some.

Now the really bad part. For years I have gone on cam for girls – not to get to know them just I guess for an ego boost. Again I will digress. For years she told me I was not handsome – that I was more all American boy looking and cute – she would tell me she did not know why girls found me attractive. I had also gained some weight but been losing it the last few years. She also for years has told me I am not that big – I would joke with her about wanting to do porn movies and she would say I was not that big to do them. That is a very hurtful thing to tell a guy. That is why I went on cam – sometimes I needed an ego boost after that. After January she said she should have never said either of those things to me. She admitted she said them because of her own sexual shortcomings. But that is still hard to get over.

Well the chatting kept growing and growing. Like I said she does it 5 or 6 hours a day and she was developing so really good friends. Some guys developed feelings for her and really started to like her and love her. One in particular told her that their hearts were beating as one and could never be separated. He is from Australia. And he admits he is in love with her. That was a few months ago and I still have that program running – more on that in a sec. No wonder I hated Ian Thorpe in the Olympics (the swimmer from Australia). Well she broke off chatting with him – but I see two days ago they had another long chat and flirted and were way too friendly. It bothers me that they chat, as she knows he hates me. He constantly runs me into the ground – it hurts that she chats with him still.

Now the reason I have the program on again. Her grandmother died the morning we got married 21 years ago. My wife had a dream about her but has never been able to clearly remember it. Well I found a guy who does online hypnosis for her to try to remember the dream. But I have learned that they have to be watched closely to make sure that feelings don’t develop. Apparently this is like a patient and therapist type of situation and needs to be monitored for emotional attachments. He has helped her remember that dream and he has also helped with some other things. She lacks self-confidence. She does not think she is pretty and with the hypnosis she has come to realize her high school boyfriend ran her down and was very controlling and that really affected her. So it has helped but it has to be monitored.

Now with her cybering we have learned that she is submissive. That is fine. In college at UT I was a Dom for 4 years with various girls so that seemed like after all these years of marriage to be a good match.

The hypnotist is also a Dom. Because of that boyfriend she has trouble giving up control. He was very controlling of her. So we figured the hypnotist could help her give up control that way and then turn it over to me. So far that is not a problem with him. But she resists me every time I try to be Dom with her. And what bothers me is that she has 3 or 4 men who are Dom online she does things with. They can ask her to do the same thing that I asked her and she will for them. Again that hurts me. For the last month she goes on cam and mic many times a day. She is not nude or anything but she does masturbate for them and they do give her tasks to carry out. When I give her tasks she tells me she is too busy and does not want to do them. About two days ago I told her I do not want to do this with her any more. She took immediately to calling them Master and does not even talk to me about it. They also run me into the ground and she lets them without defending me.

She spends lots of time with those Dom guys and with other guy friends who flatter her. It is easy for them to be that way. They don’t have the history of a married couple or the day-to-day problems she and I have with her and a family. She is just naïve enough or at least I think so to be really swept away with these men as they seem like all fun and games. They make her feel really good (I do too) but there is no counter balance of real life to interfere. I have asked her several times to stop chatting – and she always makes me feel guilty – she says that is how she grows sexually with no fear of whether it is fun or not. Then she points out – she has never met any of those guys so I always give in and tell her to chat more to help her learn more. Only recently did I learn about the new emotional affairs that happen online and I see several of those. They guy in Australia and some of the Doms. It is devastating to me.

I may have made too much of jumping from room to room in Yahoo in my original post. That is part of her trying to experiment and learn new things.

From my part I do try to date and woo her. We go out once a week on a date to dinner and dancing or a bar or movie. I spent $4000 on new clothes so I look good for her. I work out 5 to 6 days a week so that I look good for her. And now the most self serving statement. I do look good. When I go in public I get noticed all the time or at the bar girls constantly come up. I lost 45 pounds – the reason I say this is that some people posted that I should try to look good for her. I do.

I know this is probably more than you wanted to know but I wanted everything out and it helps to pour my heart out. Thank you for listening.

Please let me know what you think of all of this. Also, any suggestions about things I can do are helpful. Am I reading too much into it? I know I have forgotten some things but this is most of it.

Thank you so much for listening. I needed to get this all out. I wanted to go out for a margarita with the lady who owns the tanning salon I go to but she was busy and I just needed to get this out. I can’t take much more.

I am not sure what to do. We had a huge fight last night. It came to blows. She is fine and I have a few bruises. I just needed to think and she would not let me. He had her do things sexually while they chatted and she was to do some when she got to bed. This morning we talked she says it is all my fault and she does not understand why I dont trust her. Right now we are both taking some time to cool down before we talk. Again she says she will stop chatting because I cannot handle it. Again making it seem like my fault. I needed to pour my heart out and I need advice.

Thank you for reading this and helping.

[Miss O'Hara]

Good post.

[sslake]

I would first like to thank all who have shared, knowing that I am not alone is a great comfort.

Let me begin by saying that I have just found out that my wife is having an emotional affair. Although there is no possible way for it to become physical since he is in prison and will never be released I recognize that it is still an affair. I am struggling with how to approach this and still salvage our marriage of 11 years. Right now she is at a stage where she wants her cake and eat it too and I have expressed to her that I cannot continue with things the way they are. I have told her that I recognize that he is filling a need for her and that I am commited to her, our marriage and to finding this need so that I may begin to fill it for her. I am on unfamiliar territory and I do not wish to make any foolish choices and would appreciate any help that could be provided.

[Ben]

sslake, Sorry to hear of your predicament. That does bring some interesting dynamics into it with him in prison. I can see where it would give her some justification (just reaching out to a soul who is lonely and down) and how battling letters can be more difficult than battling somebody she sees personally.
I think the main area for you to communicate is how you believe it is robbing you and her of intimacy in your own marriage and how it hurts. It's important to hear her side. It sounds like you are seeking that. All this didn't begin in a day and won't be solved in a day. Stay in it for the long haul.

[sslake]

Ben, thank you for your kind words. We have talked about it and I have explained to her that I recognize that he is filling some kind of need for her. I have also pledged to her that I am commited to her and to our marriage and becuase of this I am in turn dedicated to finding out what this need is so that I will be able to fill this need for her as well. I have not put any pressure on her as of yet but I have made it clear that I cannot be in a relationship like this. I will give her time but I am confussed on how much time I should give her. I do not want to push her away due to being too forceful but I don't think she has come to the realization that what she is doing is wrong or how much it hurts me. She never brings the subject up but it is always looming in my mind and at times can be very much in the forefront of my thoughts. I feel as though I am on the right path but I am not sure if she is receptive to it or if she is just biding her time hoping I will forget about it. She has said she knows what I want but that she needs time. My only fear is the longer she continues this the move in love with him she will get and the harder it will be to end it. Any support or advise would be appreciated.

[BW]

Hi... Ben & Ann, I've just stumbled across your website, and it's such a wonderufl testament to marriage... I wondered, could you answer a question for me? I've been in a situation recently where I have two close friends who are married, and I'm pulled in the middle - he recently confessed to me that he'd been having feelings for me, and she has an unhealthy emotional attachment to our friendship that hurts her husband greatly, and therefore their marriage. They also suffered a miscarriage last year and neither has processed the hurt.
My pastors' focus seems to be on them & their marriage (which they're both completely in denial about), and I fully understand that to be the priority, but I am left feeling bruised and used... and totally unsupported. I never set out to have an emotional affair with either of them, but reading your description, that is what it is/was for them. I have asked myself honestly, and been very accountable with my pastors, and they tell me I've done nothing wrong, but I've lost my friends and my cell leaders... and the closeness and trust with my pastors, because I feel responsible in some way.

[James Mc]

Thanks for this post, I dont remember how I came across this post/blog.
It spells out what I've done wrong, and I thought it was ok as long as we didnt "do anything".
Thats one wake up call that I have to deal with quick.

Thanks a lot for this post & blog,or I could have continued on the path to the end of my marrige & not even realised it.

[ben]

That's great, James. Many blessings on you, your wife and your marriage.

[Anonymous]

I am a single woman. My best guy friend is a married man. Is it possible to have a close friendship without having an emotional affair? Is it possible to have an emotional connection without going into "affair" territory?

The only people in my life who warn me about the dangers of our relationship are my married friends. I wonder if they are speaking to me out of their own insecurities.

[lynn]

My husband had an emotional affair. He has also kissed this woman. He says that in three weeks of talking to her via cell phone and email he was in love with her. Enough so to tell me and our four children that he wanted to leave and have a life with her. I am in the process on fighting ovarian cancer. He started this relationship when I was in the middle of chemotherapy treatment. He was going to move out two weeks ago. He couldn't do it. He asked me to let him stay and work on our relationship. He said he can't believe he did it. That he has lost the relationship that he had with me and his children. He said it was like he had another personality when he did this. He wants to try to do damage control with the other woman. He is still having contact with her to try and get their realtionship back to just friendship. I told him that I couldn't accept his friendship with her. He doesn't see why they can't just be friends. He did all the things listed in the first post. He shared his life with this woman and she with him. I feel betrayed on so many levels. My question- Do his actions say that he never loved me? Can this ever be overcome?

[Kylie]

hi there.
I just came across this site when i was looking at the 'for women only book'.

I have a question that i hope someone could help me out with.

I am not married but i am a christian and am dating a wonderful christian man. My problem is i am struggling alot with a particular relationship he has with a female from church, who lets say is not that secure in her faith. They share very personal, and sexually intimate stories about their pasts because they both have very sexually active pasts. I feel uncomfortable with them doing this because it creates a false sense of closeness between them and i feel that my relationship with him may be threatened. He tells me they are just friends, i understand that but spending alot of time together and messenging and calling each other and talking about their problems is a recipie for an attraction to begin. I have tried to explain this concept to him in a way that doesn't scream 'i don't trust you!' but he tells me i am insecure and that i should get over it. What do you guys think is the best way to deal with this??

[ann]

Kylie,
I want to tell you to RUN! I am going through this with my husband. He blames me for the end of a friendship he develop with a girl 22 years younger. I am not sorry it is on the rocks so to speak. He spent all his emtional enrgy and time dealng with her marital and prsonal problems and there is nothing left for me and my 3 children.
My adice is get counseling. You are not wrong. He is wrong. I blamed myself for months and still do at times because I felt jealousy toward this girl. They talked, texted went to lunch and dinner. When my children and I were out of town for a couple of days she was over at my house day and night. They went out to eat and when I called to talk with my husband and couldn't get him it was because they were inthe hot tub together. Yes she stayed the night on the couch but when I called I told him to tell her to leave. Well she was "emotional and drunk and my husband said I was a mean perdon to make her leave when she could have wrecked on the way home. She returned that night after my husband told her to leave because she wanted to know why I was upset at her!!! My husband contiunes to blame me for everthing about this girl. Today she "broke it off" said she didn't want to take the time or emotions to figure out how she feels about him. He now wants me to admit that it is my fault that she left him and that if she doesn't get her life togther it it my fault becasue I drove her away when he was helping her.
The sad thing is I continually said let's help her toghter. His answer is always Well she doesn't feel comfortable talking around you. She tells me more when you are not around.

Just be very careful!

[stan]

I found this site through a search for "wife having an emotional affair". Last August I came to the realization that something fishy was going on with my wife. To make a long story short, I figured out that she was going out of town with her sister to meet up with a man she had unknowingly to me at the time, been spending hours on the phone with for about 8 or 9 months previously. Being suspicious about what was going on I checked her cell phone records and busted her.
Once I confronted her, she begged for forgiveness, swore she would end it, never have any contact whatsoever, and would be a model wife if I would let her stay. Of course over the next few days she came up with several reasons to blame me for what happened. I felt we got past everything and life was back to normal.

Jan. 13th. I knew something was up. She came through the living room way too happy and for no reason gave me and my son big kisses and went upstairs to finish putting Christmas up.

Then it happened, I heard her talking upstairs. I got up and walked into the kitchen and saw her cell phone was on the counter, I looked at the home phone and saw it wasn't in use. Then I walked up the stairs and when I turned the corner I saw her talking on a phone and she jumped into the closet to hide it.

After several long minutes of her denying that she was talking to anyone I found the phone under some Christmas paper. She started crying again and I told her I was moving out. She had bought a pre-paid phone at Sams earlier in the week. She convinced me to stay and talk so I did. At this point she was still blaming everything including me, the time of the month, money problems, and anything else she could come up with.

Somehow, she convinced me to stay and give her another chance. Being what I think was best for everybody I gave in. She promised never to contact him again and now here we are. Can I do anything to make sure she doen't regress again? I don't want to keep tabs on her all the time. I want life back to normal. Is it possible?

[ben]

Stan, I certainly would recommend some counseling for you both and for her individually. It doesn't sound like you really got to the root of what is going on for her. There are no guarentees about her not doing it again but the best assurance against it is a real, deep, open, honest relationship for the two of you. Right now it seems like there is a lot that goes unsaid. It also helps to have a more intentional plan for the two of you to rebuild trust. Her just saying, "I'm sorry. I won't do it again," isn't enough. You can have a great relationship with her if you both put some work into it.

[Stan]

She strongly refuses counseling. She thinks the counselor will turn her against her parents. She has some serious acceptance problems with her dad. Lots of issues here I know.

[ben]

It certainly is scary and takes courage to begin counseling. A good counselor will help her to see and own the good and the bad. In other words it isn't important to label anyone but to enjoy what was good and grieve over the losses. On your part if she refuses to get help where do you feel that leaves you?