Infidelity--The Search for Meaning

For Ann and I coming to a shared definition of her affair in the context of our marriage was essential for both of us. We learned to tell our story together. She filled in the gaps and shared her means of deception with me. This was painful. We had done a lot of life while she was in her affair. Her sharing how she went about it all and her inner world during the affair helped to restore trust. I learned to allow her into my inner world. I had many and various thoughts and dreams that she did not know. This was scary for me to tell but helped her to feel connected with me. Here is Our Story and My Emotional Affair if you haven't read it yet.
Shirley Glass begins part 3 of 'Just Friends' with this,

The Search for Meaning
A vital part of trauma recovery is telling the story of what happened. The only way for anyone to comprehend what seems an incomprehensible event is through the search for meaning. After any personal loss or unimaginable catastrophe, we need to piece together what happened and talk about our experience. Rescue workers receive debriefing, bereaved family members join support groups, and trauma victims create a narrative of their experience. Expressing the emotions and telling the story is the best pathway to healing. This applies to the trauma of an affair too. If you don't know the story of the affair, you may recover but you will not heal--the wounds will always be there.
When you're telling the story of an affair, how you talk together is even more important than what you say. The story of the affair is not just about what happened in the affair itself. The story must include the context in which the affair occurred...The story of the marriage will provide a framework to understand whether relationship vulnerabilities set the stage for an affair. The unfaithful partner must be understood through his or her personal history, attitudes, and unmet needs. Looking at outside influences is also an essential part of the story since infidelity flourishes in an environment of social approval. Understanding the dynamics of the unmarried affair partner will be helpful for all three people affected by the extramarital triangle...
Vulnerabilities must be understood before a couple can weave their stories into a meaningful narrative that accounts for what led to the affair, what sustained it, and how it was resolved.

So what is your story? What was your dating like? What marked your time pre-kids? How did your marriage with kids change for the better? the worse? What occurred in your life just before the affair began? How did you miss each others hearts? Are all the secrets in the open? Is there anything else you would like for your spouse to share with you?

Comments

[audrey]

Hi there,
I would just like to share with the world what has been happening in my life for the past 23 months and is still gong on. I caught my husband RED HANDED having an affair and he admitted to it, moved out for 6 months, and then decided that it was better to have his cake and eat it at the same time. Here in Zimbabwe getting a divorce is not easy as the courts here are so blocked up with all sorts of other CRAP that it actually proves to be impossible to spped things up even if you had the oney to do so. What I would like to know from the "public on the www" is how and if I can ever trust this man again. He claims to not wanting to ever leave me and my kids but continues to see this slut and as I write this at 22.00 hours Zimbabwe time he is still not home!!!!!!!!! What message is this telling ME!!! I am soooo distressed about this whole affair that I have actullay attempted suicide once and am willing to do it again but for the sakes of my kids I won't. If there is anyone out there who has been through theis type of situation PLEASE help I do not know which way to turn.
Thanx
Audrey

[ben]

Audrey: Thanks for writing. I am sorry about all of the pain and confusion that is in your life. I am glad you are alive. If at all possible I hope your marriage can work out but if not I know that you were created to be on this earth for much more than to be your husband's wife. If you divorce your life can go on and be rich.
With someone who has lied it is important for him/her to be accountable 24/7 for where time is spent. Also, go by what someone is doing not by what they are saying. Trust can be restored but it's up to him to earn your trust back. If you don't have a supportive community around you I encourage you to get one. There is no way one can go through this alone.
I don't know what the counseling is like there but if he won't go in with you (this would be best) it could be very helpful for you to have an advocate in your corner.
I can't tell you what to do but you are a valuable woman worthy of being respected. Require this from your husband.

Those are my beginning thoughts. Feel free to write anytime.

Ben