Obedience in the Face of Adultery, Emotional Infidelity

During the worst of times, working on our marriage or even staying put was an act of extreme obedience for both of us. Our hearts screamed out to run away, run away. Our will, ever so slightly, humbly through gritted teeth said stay, God is up to something good. Or at least we hope He is. He better well be dammit. We are both the youngest and get a little spoiled some times. :)
He was up to something good for us. At times it seemed like we stood in stubborn defiance as He accomplished His will. In reality, we were swept up in his current. We were standing still and not running. Our stillness allowed God to move us. We obediently would talk and share our feelings. We kept our mouths shut when we wanted to shred the other with our words. And sometimes we did blow it and cussed out one another. I don't think that 'one another' is part of the one anothering in the Bible. :) Somehow, He would help us recover and keep moving us along.
It seemed like forever, but it was really a little more than a year when our obedience paid off and God's forgiveness humbled me and flowed through to Ann. The, at times, excruciating (see the root crucify in there, as in we hung in there as best we could) obedience was worth it and we experienced the resurrection of our marriage.
Karl Thienes over at St. Stephen's Musings had a post recently on obedience and I scarfed this quote from St. John Climacus, one of the spiritual fathers, of the Orthodox tradition.

Obedience is the tomb of the will and the resurrection of humility. A corpse does not argue or reason as to what is good or what seems to be bad. For he who has devoutly put the soul of the novice to death will answer for everything. Obedience is an abandonment of discernment in a wealth of discernment.

What seems wise in dealing with an adulterous marriage is to run away. For us, abandoning this worldly wisdom obediently into the wealth of freedom given by our Father, Son, and Holy Spirit is the wisest choice we've ever made.

Comments

[Karen]

Ben,

I keep coming back to your site because it is the only place I've found that addresses emotional affairs among Christians. My situation is as bad as it can be. My Christian husband fell into an emotional affair with a Christian co-worker. His answer to adultery--first divorce me and then ask for the Lord's forgivness before marrying the OW. I have recognized and God has dealt with me on my shortcomings in my marriage. People need to know that even after divorce the Lord doesn't change His mind about his plans for His people. I love and forgive my husband and the OW. is ther any advice that you can give me that would interrupt their plans. My children need to grow up in our home and not on a shared visitation schedule.

Thank you to you and An for your openness. It is such a blessing.

[Ben]

Thanks for you kind words, Karen. I agree with you that it would be best for your children to not grow up on a shared visitation plan.
I would need to know more to talk specifically about what to do in this situation. I will be lifting you up in prayer.

[Lori]

Hi. I came across this site and I'm thankful because I would like some comfort at this point. I have carried on an emotional affair with a man who is 14 yrs. my senior for about 5 1/2 yrs. now. I do not talk to this man very often. Only about 2-5 times a year. However, in the time I have talked to him, we have had excellant conversations and yes, conversations about our own unhealthy marriages. I have been married to my high school sweetheart since the age of 17. We now have 3 children, one of which has been born since this "affair" has taken place. I'm not sure I even understand why I keep talking to this guy. Like I said, we only talk about once every few months and then it is only for about 5-10 minutes and everytime he will say he has to go, and he will also tell me that will call more often...yet he never does. There is a sexual attraction here. However, we have not acted on that attraction though it could be based on the fact that we never have a chance to get together. Since this thing started, he has moved about400 miles away. But we have kept it going. Last May was the last time I spoke with him up until February of this year. He called and we've managed to talk and text one another now about once a week. Mainly we only text message...but I have spoke with him maybe 4 times which is alot considering the usual. I don't understand this relationship. Just yesterday, his wife calls me up and apparently she read a text mail that I had sent. Of course she was furious!! She told me all sorts of ugliness about him...including the fact that he has had several sexual affairs in the past. I explained the extent of our relationship to her and in the end, she is filing for divorce...and of all things...our "affair" is the reason why. She wants to name me in divorce papers and all that, and I know she is in so much pain. Speaking with her really opened my eyes to this. That I really do love my husband, although our marriage is far from perfect and after reading topics on this subject, I realize that I do need some emotional affection from him and they we may need counseling. I just don't know how to go about talking to him about it. I don't want to ruin his world. He would NEVER suspect that I would cheat..and in a physical sense, I haven't, but the emotional conflict has me doubting that I can let go of this OM. What is your advice? After speaking with this guys wife..who, by the way, is 12 years OLDER than he. I understand that he has never been faithful and that he is very selfish in his ways, including work, sex and life in general. If it benefits him, it's all good. If not, he finds an out. I really believed that this guy cared about me...and though I should run as far away from it as I can...It seems that I cannot let it be until I know for sure where he stands. Ain't that crazy? I know it's wrong, and quite frankly, he's really not the type I want for a husband. Yet I can't shake this feeling I have for him, and it's driving me crazy. I don't want to hurt my husband or my family. Please give me some advice on this situation, including what I should do as far as telling my husband about the whole deal. I'm feel that it may come up at some point, especially if the wife has my name on divorce proceedings. Is this normal? Again, it has lasted 5 1/2 years..but honestly, I could count the times we've talked on all fours. And there has never been any sexual intimacy AT ALL. There is attraction there, but it has never worked out for us. Please halp me in any way you can. I need some advice on this. I don't want to loose the life I have. And I guess, sad as it may seem, I didn't realize just what I had until this all surfaced yesterday. I won't get involved like this agian!!

[ben]

Lisa, Thanks for having the courage to share your story. The most probable way to end the relationship with the other man is to bring your husband in the loop. The secrecy fuels the attraction.
Would you want your husband having a relationship with another woman like you have with this man?
Come clean and begin moving towards real honesty and intimacy in your marriage.
It will be rough for a while but on the other side you'll have more the marriage that you desire.

[cl]

Ben & Ann:
I came upon you site via "googling emotional affair". As the betrayed partner, I have read the book, "Not Just Friends...” to try to understand, comprehend and find forgiveness to the email correspondences between by husband and a former (Or current?) 9th grade crush. I cried my eyes out when I realized that I would never live up to his idol, that she in some ways resided as a figment of his imagination, though she also is a real woman to him. I found so much comfort in Court’s falling in Love post/IreneQ post. I have a 24-year love with my husband ...who pursued ME! I had hoped our times apart during college were opportunities for us to discover more about ourselves/other partners/life. So when we made the decision to marry, there were no doubts! We marked our 16th wedding anniversary barely this May. I "caught" him in the hiding screen act, our crisis was revealed to me. The secret emails, minimizing screen, "I want to hear your voice" phone calls. All to a women that I have just learned is his "Best and oldest friend"...she having previously visited her hometown...our house ONCE in my marriage-eight years ago...to briefly chat. I believe I would have accepted the lunch invitation to join them on April 29th,had I know about the youthful "sexual tension." This revelation came as quite a shock, as his young photo album contains many memories of previous girlfriend...not much info ever shared about this one. The re-connect happen over a return visit in April, after she heard that he suffered a heart attack in October. Oh, try forgiveness.. My husband doesn't think that he did anything wrong, "it wasn't sex!" I can move forward if I knew that my husband really married me because he fell in love with ME. I cannot compare to this goddess. The most painful aspect of all this is that wrote that I tricked him into having children...both boys..TWICE! We have a lot of work ahead of us...but acceptance is the first step. He is an alcoholic having been sober for five years now. He has been through a lot; his home- based business has failed.. A final revelation the week of the emotional affair reveal. His only focus is finding a job; he hasn't had "time" to think about her, or decided what he will do about this "friendship" in the future. As their online relationship was secret and not platonic, she is not a friend of the marriage...I cannot sleep, I write this in the middle of the night...is his heart with her or me? How do I live with a man that believes I tricked him...WE planned...our sons are 12 and 10. Does he resent them? She is 6-yr married in CA-never wants children. Was he trying to align his thoughts to her world? I don't even know this man anymore. Our marriage will never be the same...if it can survive the lies. Thanks for posting your story.

[ben]

CL, Thanks for sharing your heart. In affairs people often rewrite the past to help rationalize what they are doing now. I hope your marriage can become more honest and survive the lies.

[Garcia]

God bless you both. I am so ashamed of this but last night I had to confess to my husband that I cheated on him. We have been separated for seven months or so and when he left the house I felt alone and lost. You know, I never thought I would be in a situation like this. In a blink of an eye I lost my home, my furniture, my all even my positions in church. And that was before I had done what I did. Finally, last night my husband asked me the question I would have never wanted to answer. I could not lie, I needed to confess. I feel lost and confused. I don't know where to turn or what to do. He is obviously heart broken and I don't know what to do to make it better. He trusted me, he had me in a peddle stool. He would have never expected that from me. But he was never there, he was always working and never payed attention to me. So when he left the house because of all the problems in our relationship, the temptation was there. I wanted to feel loved and wanted. Now, I would give all that I have to take back what I have done. Where do I go from here?

[ben]

Garcia, One you are starting well by bringing the truth into the light. It is painful but truth in the open brings healing. A lie just takes on a destructive life of its own. You know some of the reasons you had the affair. It doesn't make it right but does make it understandable.
Read and talk. You can check out books I think our helpful on this site. Couples who make it talk a lot. The recapture what was good in their marriage and take it to a new level. They also learn to share well on the hard topics of life.

[Stephen]

I am having an emotional roller coaster ride with my feelings. I have been ubfaithful to my wife, and when I have tried to love her she has rejected me. Stating that she doesn't want anything from me anymore. as well as she does not want to be marrie, and she does not want to give me anyyhing..
She has no regard for my fellings nor does she show any emotions for the eleven years that we ahve shared.
It is very hard to cope.
I don't want to loose my wife, but I am the only one that wants to keep the marriage alive.

[Dwayna]

I have recently been devastated with the news of my husbands affair. I had been hearing rumors for several months, which he would adamantly deny. He finally admited the truth 2 weeks before Christmas. That was the LAST THING that I needed to hear or deserved to happen! I may not be "perfect", but I honestly thought that our mairaige was a lot better than most and so did a lot of our friends and family. They are all in shock too!I can NOT understand why he did this! I have NEVER felt such PAIN in all my life.He has always been able to depend on me because I have always had to take care of everything for him. He works construction jobs on the road and is away from home a lot. But he always acted so glad to be home between jobs and I never really suspected anything until the rumors. I really thought that he appreciated being able to depend on me and THIS IS THE THANKS I GET!?!? I have been a born again believer since I was 12, ( I'm 38 now) and I know we are supposed to forgive others. But this pain and betrayal is more than I can bear! He told me that it was over with the O.W. - I have since found out that SHE BROKE IT OFF with him! He tells me he does'nt want to divorce and wants to work it out with me. But any time he catches me crying because I'm still hurting so bad, he tells me that I need to "get over it and shut up about it" if we are going to move forward. How can I do this without any apoplogy from him- any remorse for what he's done-no apparent repentance - he does'nt have to make up for all the tremendous pain that he caused!?!? God help me to get through this!!!My husband seems so selfish, without any conscience at all! I have been praying HARD AND LONG about this. Can anyone out there tell me what I should do?

[ben]

Dwayna, The pain is certainly the most intense most of us will ever feel. It really hurts! It helps to put forgiveness aside for a while. Don't worry about it right now. For now just continue to feel and process your wounds, hurt and anger. Eventually, forgiveness will be important but get through the shock right now. Give yourself some grace.
Hopefully, he'll be willing to process it all with you at some point. I encourage you to get Torn Asunder by Dave Carder to get you started. Check the other books on the site too. Many will be helpful to you.
Do you have a counselor in the area you can see?

[Ronda]

I would like spiritual advice. I have been married 20 years. I just found out today by viewing phone records, my husband has started yet another emotional affair. He has been secretly having phone conversations with a woman he met through a dating phone service. I spoke with my husband first and he as usual denied that it was a big deal. It was just a friend. Someone he spoke with about business. I asked him if he ever met her in person and he said no. I felt he was not being honest, so I called her. She told me that had met one time, but is was nothing sexual. He helped her with a computer problem. This is about the fourth time. I have forgiven him time and time again. I catch him, we talk about it, and pray about it, he says it will never happen again. I periodically ask, he denies and then I find another woman. We have four children, three are still in school. One is in college. I have tried to work this out for the sake of the family, but I feeled abused at this point. I am weary. I want to be obedient to God's will, but can't help but wonder would he want me in such an abusive relationship. I have never been unfaithful in anyway. I take careful steps not to over step my bounds with the opposite sex. I am often approached by men, but I never entertain their comments. Any advice will be extremely helpful. My husband does not believe these are emotional affairs. How can I help him understand what he is doing to our soon to be over marriage?

[Cyndi]

My husband has been having an emotional affair with his step sister for 4 years. It started with the birth of our first child. He said he felt scared. He quit coming home after work and instead went to visit her. When I would say something about all the calls, texts, and chats he would say "she is family, I shouldn't have to choose between my family and you." !?!?! I am his family now! Me and our 2 kids! But he doesn't want to see it that way. He calls her his best friend. We have been separated since Feb. 16th and I have asked him to meet with me to decide what to do next. I feel like if he doesn't want to try and work this out then I should move on with my life, I also fell he will come to regret his decision not to work it out (if that is what he decides) when it is too late. He knows I only want him to go to marriage counseling with me. I am scared and confused. Being she is family I have known something wasn't right for a long time. His brothers and his mother feel he is in the wrong. Her mother (my husbands stepmom) feels I should be thankful he went to her and not another woman where it could have went further. I am not sure I agree with her. THank you for your site. It has helped me. Please pray for God's guidance in my life and the future of our marriage.

[ben]

Thanks Cyndi,

Blessings to you in the mess. May you find healing as you enter into the pain.

[Lourdes Martinez-Moreno]

My husband has been involved in emotional affairs with other woman. I finally put my foot down and told him it's either them or me. Take your choice. Thus far, we have been open and honest with each other. I too have a husband who does not react emotionally. He is a counselor and everything is about therapy. I try to kick and scream to prove my point, but he doesn't budge. Why do I have to be the one to tell him that I need a hug, or affection? Sometimes I feel so alone, but one thing I can say, when I feel this way, at least lately, I go straight to Jesus. I know that my husband loves me, but I also understand that alot of us were never thought the true meaning of marriage. I am trying my very best to hang in there.

[ben]

Lourdes,

Courage and grace to you during this difficult time. I hope the honesty and closeness can increase for you.

[Devastated]

I had an emotional affair with a pastor for over a year. But thats not the worst of it. The paster is the husband of my best friend. We didn't mean to start and emotional affair it just seemed to happen. I have been friends with his wife for almost five years now. Our families spend so much time together. We go to the same church, our kids go to the same school. I work with my best friend. We vulonteer in the same ministry. This man and I were together so often that a friendship naturally developed. We both were the ones who would pick up the kids after school. We would sit and chat while we waited for the kids to get out of school. We wouldn't really talk about anything but we would talk none the less. We then made the mistake of adding each other to our Instate Messenger. This gave us the oppertunity to talk more often. This also gave us the oppertunity to say things to each other that we would never say in person. I remember the turning point in our relationship when it went from him being my friends husband to him being my "friend" He told me something and then asked me not to tell his wife because she would be upset that he shared that with me. I should have ended the relationship then. I did go and tell my husband what he told me and my husband did not seem to be to concerned. So on went our relationship. At this point I was hiding nothing from my husband. He knew how much we talked. He gave me way to much freedom. We mostly talked about nothing. We were both just bored and were just letting the time pass. It came to a point were my frined - his wife - asked me to stop talking to him on IM. This was hard but we were able to do it. Shortly after that though he started to text message me. I thought that was great. It was fun and it relieved a lot of boredom. Little did I know how wrong I was. It became very addicting very quickly. We both knew what we were doing was wrong. We both tried to quit. I was way worse than he was. I know realize the fact that women really do talk way more than men do. We tried to quit so many times. When he was doing good i would be doing bad and I would message him. When I finnally thought I had it down he would message me. WE BOTH WANTED THE RELATIONSHIP TO BE OVER. Fiannly he told his wife about it. It was the best think that could have happend. I am devastated because of the pain that I caused her. If I could go back and change things I would. I really do love her. We have continued to talk. But i know that i have hurt her deeply. She is the best friend that i have ever had and i betrayed her trust. I also came clean with my husband. He has forgiven me. I think that our relationship is stronger now than it was before. He used to see me as someone who was strong and could never fall. My faith in God should have been able to keep me from making such a huge mistake. Through out the year of my emotional affair with this man I continued to spend time with God. God never gave up on me. I would feel so convicted and guilty each time that i sat down to read and pray but knew if i quit then my life would go down hill way quicker than it already was.
My question is should my friend and i continue our relationship?

[ben]

D, Thanks for sharing your heart. You put good words to how affairs can take on a life of their own. I can't really answer directly whether you should continue that friendship. It certainly feels like it would be good to give it some distance for a while for continued healing to take place for all involved.

[Devastated]

I feel guilty for wanting to put space in our relationship. She seems to want to continue our friendship as it was. I don't want to hurt her anymore than i already have. She has though started to pick up the kids from school herself which is a huge answer to pray. I find it hard to talk to her and to be around her so much because it makes it harder not to think about her husband. I am trying to memorize bible verses and resite them each time he comes to mind. The one I am now memorizing is Philippians 4:8. It seems to be helping a bit. But on the other hand I enjoy her company and we have so many things in common. I have seen her husband a handful of times and it is so difficult each time I see him. It is always so natural to start a conversation but I know that I have to resist because it will just put us back were we started from. I am scared to talk about this with anyone because all of my friends go to my church. The exciting thing is that my husband and i have grown closer. I am scared though because i do have the chance of seeing this other man daily. Everything that i have read tells me that I need to run and leave this man in the past. I know that with God i can get through this.

[ben]

Devastated, Blessings to you as you continue to navigate this path. Is church leadership involved in any way? It feels like you are much more aware not to take anything for granted about the intensity and risk of your relationship with her husband than your friend is. I am glad to year you and your husband are drawing closer.

[Devasted]

No, church leadership is not involved. At this point I am hoping that we will not have to get them involved. This man and I are both aware that if would have continued or if we were to start up again that he would have had to quit his job. What I am afraid of is that we will start to move on and let our guards down. What i pray for is that God would lead me to someone that i could be accountable for to. Not only for my actions but for my thoughts as well.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. It helps alot just being able to put my feelings and thoughts to paper.

[ben]

That's a good prayer for you to find someone to talk to about this. It is sad that it most likely will not be in your own church. That is too often the case. Blessings to you.

[Lorna]

it would be great if i could interact privately with "Devastated"
It is amazing how frequently I am hearing of pastors being involved in emotional affairs. I believe this is a huge problem ...bigger than we are aware of. Alot needs to be said about same sex counseling. Also boundries in friendships. The Spirit of the Lord checks us each time we cross over the line of purity ... if we are walking in the Light. I desire to discuss this subject in more of a private situation .

[hopefull]

My husband has had an emotional affair for over a yr with a woman in our church. I saw it coming an the Lord revealed to me almost everytime he was secretely seeing her. He was finally caught driving her car redhanded but it was a favor to help her in a jam (oh, yea, right!). I went to my pastor devestated and left him for a few days. Our pastor had him and her meet and agree to not communicate in any way except for brief public greetings at church.
He has admitted his part in being involved in an emotional affair, rather reluctantly, but still holding to his belief that there was nothing wrong with him being her friend and being around her. After a couple of months God has convicted me of my "deep hatred" for her and I publically got up and embraced her and told her I do want to hate her anymore, and we need to talk and love spirit & in truth.we haven't met yet, but now my husband wants to build her and her husband a garage and I am devestated! He husband is only in town 2 months outof a year, and it would need to be built whrn he is out of town. She doesn't work so I know they'll be together on the jobsite and that she will start calling (and him calling her) again. He has an 800# calling card and I already have seen he is using it to call someone with on his cell phone cause it doesn't reveal the # he calls. I feel sure it's her. I can't survive another year like last year. I am 9 yrs older than my husband, but everyonr thinks he is older than me. She is 11 yrs younger than him. I don't want to over react, but I want him to get completely away from her. I hate to change churches, our business has suffered tremendiously since this started up last March.

[Mimi]

I just found this web site 3 days ago and I'm so glad that I did. Reading on Emotional Affairs and I could relate to this more than just once. I myself must confess I had a emotional affair 9 years ago and it was all on the phone and the internet. My husband found a e-mail I had sent the other man and I confessed to my sin. I had never met this person and never did but what I did was wrong and in my mind and heart I knew it was wrong. I had share myself with this person over the phone and at the time it was very exciting but when my husband knew and I told him everything that went on over the phone, I was ashamed of myself because of the pain I had just caused him. I never wanted to hurt him in any way but I did. My husband forgave me for this and we went on with our marriage, our marriage was not in any turmoil at that time when I did what I did.
My affair lasted about a month and when it was known, it was over.
Now almost 3 years ago we needed a change on where we lived, it was a very old state and we wanted a place with a warmer climate so we moved from PA to FL. We were happy with ourselves and this move I thought was good for us too. About 5 months being in FL he started leaving his cell phone in the car instead of bringing it in the house. I started to suspect someting but really didn't do anything about it till 6 months later. He was also having an emotional afair
and he kept saying they were just friends but the cell phone bills was telling otherwise. I don't see the need to call a person of the oppisite sex 10 to 15 times a day and also send text messages all they long. He then said to me that he wouldn't speak to her anymore so I tryed to believe his word. We have had so many trials and tribulations I can believe that I'm still here. I just found out back in November of 2005 that he was still calling her, now maybe as he says that it shouldn't bother me cause they are just friends and she's about 3000 miles away from us but it does hurt to know again that he still talk to her. I feel that there is no respect in our marriage, he doesn't care how I feel and how this is affecting me. After the second time he also said that she would be out of our lives and just a month ago her number is on our phone bill again. I don't know what I feel about him and don't know what to do.
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