Our affair lasted off and on for three years. I ended the relationship at least a half dozen times or more. But we also had a professional relationship, he as salesperson, me as buyer, so our relationship never completely ended making it harder to close the door with finality. I would also go through bouts of guilt, only to tell myself that God would forgive whatever I was doing. As I look back, I realize that only cheapened God’s grace. That was the only ‘saving’ I allowed God to do in my life at the time. During this three years, Ben’s and my relationship seemed to blossom. We seemed to be following the Lord and building our marriage on His foundation. Only we both had something to hide that kept Him from truly blessing our marriage.
My affair had been ‘over’ for about 6 months when I heard from Barney that the company he worked for was hiring salespeople, and I’ve been told most of my life I’d make a good salesperson. Ben and I talked it over and prayed about it and it seemed the time might be right. Initially they asked if I would be willing to move to Los Angeles, uh-uh, no way. Then a position opened up in Kansas City. Not too far from home, Ben could quit his all-consuming job at the trucking company and attend Seminary without having to work…we decided to go for it. Well, five minutes into my interview, the manager told me she wanted to hire me but had to finish the interview nonetheless. I took this as a sign from God that we were doing the right thing. We put our house on the market and it sold within weeks for cash no less. Another sign. We found a house in Kansas City right by a golf course and lake with a swimming beach, and with Ben’s love of golf, we felt this was another sign. The only thing that didn’t line up with seeming like God’s will was that I would have to travel with Barney for a month or so. I thought I could handle it…I was wrong.
Soon after beginning to travel together, the affair picked up right where it left off. Over the course of the summer, Ben and I grew further and further apart. He was increasingly suspicious when Barney continued to travel with me after our preset timetable had passed. I began to turn his suspicions back on him and tell him if he would just think more positively then our relationship would get back on track. I soon grew weary of the double life I’d been leading. I suppose my last straw was when I asked Barney how our relationship was affecting his marriage, because mine was sucking the big one. He replied by saying the sex was better than ever. The sex was better than ever…that’s all he had to say. That’s when I knew I needed to end our affair. I was hoping I could continue working at the job I was enjoying incredibly, but that would only be possible if I never, ever told Ben about the affair.
Ben, the kids and I went to my parents home for Labor Day weekend. Little did I know but Ben had discovered how to listen to my voice mail messages. As soon as we returned from our weekend away, he listened to my voice mail and heard a suggestive voice mail from Barney – he never quit being a persistent pursuer – saying he would call me the next day. The next day, Ben came home from class at Seminary and asked if Barney had called. I said, ‘No.’ Ben then told me he’d figured out how to get into my voice mail. Uh-oh. I knew I’d been found out. I walked Ben into the living room, sat him on the couch and told him I’d been having an affair with Barney. That was the worst day of my life. But I also felt like a weight had been lifted. I no longer had to lead a double life. I was free from the lying.
But I didn’t entirely know how to be free. I had never freely expressed myself; I didn’t grow up in a family that did that, so I never really learned how. So I initially didn’t want to deal with the hurt, the pain, my emotions, my failures. I thought it would just be easier if I ended it all right then and there. But alas, we had no gun, knives are too messy and the strongest medication we had was Tylenol. So I chose, we chose, to live in the chaos that followed the revelation.
