My Response to an Ugly Email or My Wife is a Beautiful Glorious Woman

I had not received an email like this before. It just makes me shake my head and wonder what gospel he knows.

Ben, Your marriage is not restored. Once your wife cheated on you, you have no marriage. It's over. It is a terrible thing to continue the charade. Turn her our(out?) and get a decent woman who will be faithful. You are just fooling yourself and playing a dishonest game. She is no good and deserves the worst. You are acting like a fool. The Almighty has a decent woman out there for you. Just have the courage to look.

I think he missed the part where we non-Jews are grafted into this whole scandalous grace-filled gospel.
Aye, she did cheat on me and it hurt tremendously. I am well acquainted with the feelings of why adultery was punishable by death in the Old Testament. When I found out about her affair, God showed me some of His heart in that law.

God also showed me other aspects of who He is. He showed me that I too deserved to be turned out. I was let into this party undeserved myself. I was a drunk. I missed my son's first birthday getting drunk at a golf course. I blasphemed. I didn't provide for my family. I lived a coward's life then.
I could fill up an entire blog of why I do not deserve this gracious love of Father.

And Father does love me. He does value me as His son. I am dearly beloved. Today, I try to live from the strength and courage He has filled me with. He showed me some of it when I called out to Him and quit drinking a few months later. He showed me more in dealing with the pain of adultery.

The foolish thing would have been to cut and run when I found out about the affair. The act of a coward would have been to send her out and to seek another woman. But God showed me that the woman with the Scarlet A is sometimes the most righteous woman in town. I saw God churn and soften my beloved's heart. I witnessed a miracle in her heart and in my own. The Almighty, because He has chosen her, and because she abides in Him has made her a decent woman. Nay, she is not a decent woman. She is beautiful and glorious. She is the bride of my youth. Father delights in her and sings over her. So do I.

This Kingdom Journey is not all about me. I do not claim to have the perseverance of Hosea. But I know something of his walk. If I thought only of what brought me the least pain in the moment I would have sent her out. I would have missed out on what God really means for marriage. I would not know the joy that he has set for us in this life between husband and wife. Suffering does really produce perseverance and perseverance really does produce character and character really does produce hope. Hope in Him. I walked with the bride of my youth through The Valley of Achor and we both entered into His Hope.

My Lord and Savior did not send women out. He castigated the men who thought themselves worthy of doing so. He chastised the ones who said thank God I am not like the sinner. He treated the hearts of women like treasures of great value instead of viewing women as a mere possession.

Jesus encountered the adulterous woman. He took his time. He played in the dirt for a while. He stood up and talked to the men who wanted to stone her and then he played in the dirt some more. He did not stone her. And then he offered her great words of hope. He conveyed to her that she was not her worst behavior. She was more than a woman who slept around. She could leave that life of sin and be more.

My Ann is more. Yes, she did sleep around. She is more. The pain of her sin has been used by God to make her even more beautiful and glorious. It is Father's great gift to me that I am permitted to be her husband.

Comments

[anj]

what a beautiful response to an ugly e-mail. it speaks so of the richness of the Father's heart.

[Ben]

Anj, Thanks for your comments and thanks to our Father for caring about us so. I encourage anyone reading this to check out Anj's blog. She has a wonderful way of sharing her soul.

[Totem to Temple]

Ben:

Excellent response. Thanks for taking the high, straigh, narrow, and painful road. You've showed everyone here that you took the high road and extended grace and more grace. Excellent post. Your heart is pure and set apart for the work of the Kingdom of God. Keep up the good work and continue to press onward.

[Paul]

Ben,

Thank you for sharing this. For it gives encouragement to me. Even though there were no affairs and my wife of 29 years just did not want to be married anymore, and though she did divorce me, there is still hope of restoration.

Thank you for your prayers. I know that all that I have gone through has brought me to the place that I am now in my walk with the Lord.

May God Bless,

Paul

[Ben]

Paul, Tryed to send you an email but it got kicked back. I am lifted at hearing of your deepening relationship with God amidst painful circumstances. May He continue to draw you close and impart his spirit in you.

Ben

[William Meisheid]

If it weren't for "Christians" what a wonderful experience Christianity would be. God has a purpose in it all, even in this, because from that email came this posting and its solid witness to all who read.

God grant you the grace and peace you need to continue to walk this redemptive path.

[judyh]

I hope the e-mail writer really takes your response to heart. It is beautiful.

[stephanie]

I weep as I read this article: because of the beauty of redemption, of grace, of unfailing love that teaches us to love and gives love in the process.
I weep because there is not one of us who does not need redemption to His picture of love, and today my heart needs to know this too.

[Elizabeth]

Your response to the email note is well put...and an excellent article. None of us deserves the love God has extended towards us. It is good that though what your wife did was indeed very hurtful...you recognize that you hurt her too. I think often that is why 2 people cannot reconcile...they do not want to consider their own sins. And it is a fact, most of us were so poorly trained and taught, by both family and church, as to HOW to maintain a good marriage and HOW to forgive. However, in our time, there have been some excellent helpful books written as well as we are so priviledged to have easy access to the scriptures. Nothing teaches us quite like intensive Bible study...and it is the key to becoming truely one flesh! As we read the entire Bible through 2 years in a row, it helped us make big inroads on our problems and gave us understanding that the hit and miss method of study does not give us. We have had a couple years now that we are instead more intensely studying certain books or certain subjects but we likely will again do the entire Bible in a year. We find taking a good portion of the day Saturday to quietly study and read has been very helpful...yea, it means almost killing ourselves to get the other chores, etc done the rest of the week...but we have come to jealously guard that time! At least once a week we get some intense FEEDING! And it helps with the rest of the week when we have just a little time for it.
Elizabeth

[ben]

Elizabeth,
Wow. That sounds like a wonderful rhythm of life you two have developed. It truly sounds refreshing and lifegiving.

[mike]

Ben

I am grateful to your wife and yourself for your honesty and eloquence across this site. My own life has been far from sin-free, my marriage remains a mess, so it is wonderful to hear your convincing witness as a couple to marital grace and redemption.

As to the poor person who wrote the e-mail above, a name comes to mind: Gomer. Now there was an adultress who really earned her reputation! Yet Hosea is honored of God for his consistent kindness to her. I love that story, if only because I hope my own wife is granted the same grace in dealing with me.

God bless

[Erica]

I think your site is WONDERFUL!!!!

[Ben]

Thanks Erica. Yours looks good too.

[Peg]

WOW...

I am almost jealous that I could not save my own marriage. I applaud you guys and the strides that have been made in your relationship. I believe that our marital relationships are a reflection of our human condition and God's ability to save us and loves us inspite of ourselves. Please continue to minister through your website.

[Garthw]

Scripture says if we know the Truth we will be set free. Sounds like The writer of the ugly email is bound upin judgement and you guys know freedom!

[Ben]

Thanks Garth. I appreciate you stopping by and taking time to comment.

[Kathi]

I just wanted to say Thank You for being so open and honest about the trials and tribulations involved in healing a damaged marriage/heart/soul. I am in the midst of the same situation with my husband, my mind/heart and soul are in torment. The anger/hurt/resentment/disllusionment seems to contstantly battle my love/faith/trust/respect for my husband. Luckily, for the first time in our marriage, we realized how important it is to be able to openly and honestly speak to each other of what is in our heart and mind. I too, realize that I am certainly not guilt-free even tho he is the one who had the affair. Somehow I let slide that which meant the most to both of us, the caring, touching, communication and companionship we always had. Not only did I let it slide, I deliberatly ignored it, I am guilty of not showing him that I did indeed love and need him in my life. Thru this, and not communicating with each other, we just let everything go by, as, like you, we don't like conflict. I know it will be a long slow road, but I truly believe with God's help, we will make it through this.

You have helped me tremendously in dealing with my rollercoastering emotions. To realize that the "pregnant pain" is a natural part of the healing process.

Again thank you for your honest, painful, beautiful story of real life and real love. Forgiveness is indeed divine. I hope the person who wrote that ugly email will learn this also. To cut and run is definitely the coward's way out. To stay, face the pain, rebuild and grow yourselves with God's help is the best way.

[ben]

Kathi, Thanks so much for your encouragement. It's wonderful what you and your husband are doing.
Blessings.